Is saying “No” hard for you? Check your motivation.

Two's company

Thank Goodness for True Friends

I love “being there” for people.  I don’t like letting people down if I have committed to something.  I get a real sense of purpose and meaning in my life when I am asked to help, or work on something.  I sometimes just can’t say “No.”  Sounds great doesn’t it?

My husband, Steve, knows that I can get carried away.  The family, and my well-being, can suffer as a result.  Recently he challenged me, and I needed to hear what he had to say – although I didn’t want to hear.

Steve saw in me a need – to be needed.  I feed off that to receive:

  • affirmation
  • self-worth
  • significance
  • sense of belonging

I was saying “Yes” to benefit myself, not others.  “What is the real motivation for you doing all these things?” Steve asked.  “What are you getting from it?”  As far as I was concerned I was doing only good, but actually, what was being revealed was that the motivation I had was unhealthy for me.  It fed into the lie that “what I do defines me.”  I recognised that I wasn’t being honest with myself.

The truth is that I am Kate Hobbs because of WHO I am, not what I do.  I need to accept that my worth and significance is found in my beliefs, inside of me, and the knowledge that I am “wonderfully made”.

Knowing and accepting this should help me build better boundaries.  I now know that I need to check my motivation for saying “Yes” to something.  If I recognise that it is feeding that need to be needed in me, I must say “No” because it won’t benefit me wholly.

I thank Steve for his wisdom and insight.  I appreciate his sensitive ways of revealing to me things about myself that are not healthy, wholesome and long-lasting.  I  am also grateful to close friends who also call me to account.

I challenge you to also check your motives for not saying “No.”.  If you are aware that it is feeding something in you that is unhealthy then deal with it.  Then you will find that setting your boundaries becomes easier.

So what challenges you to check your motivation?

How will you move forward with setting boundaries?

Thank you for taking the time to visit me here.  I appreciate any feedback that you care to give. Please add a comment to introduce yourself, or add value to what I have written in this post.  Kate.

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About katehobbs

Mother to two who are now independant and living away from home. Wife to Steve, for the last 26yrs and looking forward to many more years. I have enjoyed 18 months in the Okanagan, something that I have longed to have the opportunity to do for a while. Living a dream, you could say. Now, I am interning with Living Waters Canada based in Vancouver until end of April 2013. I love to grow my own food - it tastes so much better. I also build up, train and encourage others to achieve more than they thought possible.
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