I am misandrous.

The last couple of posts have been about misogyny and misandry; two Greek words that, literally translated, mean “hatred of women” and “hatred of men”.

In my last post I alluded to the fact that I married a passive man.  If you missed it, please click here to read some of my story.  My husband was passive because of his upbringing.  It would be wrong of me to tell you what this consisted of because it is his story to tell, not mine.

With him being passive, it meant that I could control much of our lives together.  I was the main earner for much of our married life, in fact right up until a couple of years ago.  I was the social, outgoing person, while my husband was introvert.  I found in my husband someone who I could control and lead.

  • I would be impatient with him (he finds communicating certain ideas very difficult) and so I would finish his sentences.
  • When my husband would be asked to do something within our group of friends, I would take over.
  • Whenever we had to deal with official paperwork i.e. applying for passports, I would do it and not allow my husband to.
  • I would not talk favourably of him when he was not around – pointing out his not-s0-good points.  I would dishonour him.
  • I embarked on various business opportunities, having asked my husband first if it was a good idea, but then ignoring his answer if it was negative.  I would go ahead even though I knew he didn’t think it right.
  • When he did make decisions that I didn’t agree with, I would make sure he knew it!   I would go out of my way to make myself look good, and for him to look bad.

You see, misandry, like misogyny, can be subtle.  Dishonouring my husband, and men in general, is misandrous.  I don’t literally ‘hate’ men, but I do things to discredit them and to put them down; to make myself look good.  This is misandry.

Things have significantly changed over the last 6-7 years.  I have recognised my actions for what they are.  As I have changed, my husband has also changed – becoming a stronger man, who initiates and leads where he didn’t before.  I defer to him more.

I can’t say that I am no longer misandrous.  I still find myself finishing his sentences for him, but he has the confidence to call me on it so I can see where I am not honouring him.  When he volunteers to do something, I let him.  He is more willing to take risks and will ask for my help if needed (before, I just plunged in!!!)  He is much stronger as a person and is prepared to challenge my behaviour toward him if he knows that it dishonours him.  I am so grateful for this change because I believe I am becoming a better woman, a better wife, because of it.

Do you recognise any similarities in how you treat the menfolk around you?

In what ways do you recognise misandry at work in our world?

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About katehobbs

Mother to two who are now independant and living away from home. Wife to Steve, for the last 26yrs and looking forward to many more years. I have enjoyed 18 months in the Okanagan, something that I have longed to have the opportunity to do for a while. Living a dream, you could say. Now, I am interning with Living Waters Canada based in Vancouver until end of April 2013. I love to grow my own food - it tastes so much better. I also build up, train and encourage others to achieve more than they thought possible.
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20 Responses to I am misandrous.

  1. fiztrainer says:

    Another fantastic post … Thank you so much for being so transparent. These are such important issues and struggles that I think (because of the culture we live in today and how we are bombarded with “I am woman, hear me roar” messages) we all struggle with some aspect of these things. You keep me thirsting for more. 😀

  2. Jude says:

    I’ve been pretty much the opposite and have married very strong men. Then I fight them! I think my second hubby and I (married in 2005 after meeting one year previously) have worked out a pretty balanced relationship. I cannot bear unfairness or someone trying to dominate me. We’ve had a lot to work out, but the relationship has grown positively, and I love him to bits!

    • katehobbs says:

      So pleased that you have balance in your marriage. it has taken a while for Steve and I to get there, and we had to have some insight into what we were doing to each other. If not, we would have thought that what we lived was right and normal!

  3. Jude says:

    We’re all so different kate. Sometimes like two bits of jig-saw puzzle that need sanding off over the years to get the fit just right!

  4. Rhonda says:

    Rather than think the Husband weak minded or introverted, could he perhaps have loved you enough to let you be you? The fact that the dynamic has changed could be more because he may have realized that you needed him to be other than what he was inclined to be…therefore he changed his natural being so you could alter your perception of him? No judgement, just wondering if HE is really different, or are YOU?
    Always,
    Rhonda

    • katehobbs says:

      That is a very interesting thought Rhonda. I think there are elements of truths here and I need to think more on it. Thank you for taking the time to read the post and comment further. Food for thought is a good thing.
      Kate.

      • Rhonda says:

        You are welcome Kate. I have been so busy with my other blog, I haven’t posted on Boys To Men in quite a while. When I do have the time and am in the frame of mind…I hope to see you back there. I enjoy our discussions very much.
        Rhonda

  5. marina says:

    wonderful post. I really enjoyed it.

  6. Thank you very much for visiting my blog and liking my post ‘ Daisies, Blue Horizon and Sunset’.
    This is a very interesting post too, as is the one before it. Much food for thought. 🙂

  7. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    I am amazed how honest you are in this post about a very unattractive feature! My dad is a misogynist I am sure, I am sure. Yet I never knew the word ‘misandrous’.

    The things you described – finishing your husband’s sentences,taking over etc – I thought they were awful & I felt sorry for him. I thought he would have been gone (because surely no-one would take that treatment forever), but you speak you are together still, & you are aware, & you are improving. I applaud you seeing as you were, and changing. I think that’s spiritual growth. Good on you for not just doing it, but making a post of it & bringing awareness.

    Cheers,
    Noeleen
    http://www.VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com / http://www.WordsFallFromMyEyes.wordpress.com

    • katehobbs says:

      Hello Noeleen
      Thank you for your comments and for visiting my blog. Misandry is something that is very subtle. I read your comments out to my husband and he smiled. He knows how he was treated and he is challenging me appropriately when he sees me falling back into these ‘bad habits’. That’s what they are – bad habits that are now so ingrained in us that we don’t realise. We all need to be shown, and if my posts have helped with that then I am pleased.
      We need to respect and honour ourselves and the other gender. Society doesn’t help us so we have to fight.
      Maybe I’ll write more someday.
      Kate

  8. I see myself here – when I respond to something with ‘which planet do you live on, how can you not see this stuff’, or a simple ‘men’ followed by a huff. I know I do the paperwork around the house because if I didn’t, it would never get done. That said, when I hand something specific off, it will. I think part of it is that we don’t appreciate men & women really do see the world in different ways. What’s obvious to a woman, may sail subtly by a man. I’ve found a ‘direct action’ (e.g. “I need you to do this”) approach works far better than a subtle expectation and the resulting surprise when I’m annoyed it’s not done. (Love your blogs Kate – and go with whatever name you actually like. Catherine sounds very formal to me (not feminine) – and I almost expect it to be used only when you’re in trouble – along with middle and last name and a stern ‘come here this minute.’) 🙂

    • katehobbs says:

      Thanks Suzan. Great to see you here. This whole subject is a touchy one for many. I am so glad that you recognise stuff. I found it difficult initially to see that I had a problem. Once it was highlighted (in a very gentle, non-condemning way) I was able to address things about me. Still on the journey though…….

  9. Gilly Gee says:

    A very brave post Kate!

  10. Anita Mac says:

    Food for thought. Interesting post – definitely give me things to think about.

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