Processing – Changes in the family

Love in shadow copyrightedNothing stays the same, yet change is here to stay!  I thought I had become used to change, but have been very aware recently of how much I like some things to remain the same.

Particularly with family!

I lost my mum about 7 years ago now, and my dad has lived on his own in the large family home since then.   He is a very social person, has great relationships with family, church, old school friends, old RAF friends.  In fact, I have not known him to be alone for a whole day!

When my mum died, many of us thought that he would turn into himself, yet he did not do that and continued to live life.  For a while, he enjoyed his own company; he didn’t have to walk to another person’s rhythm; he could choose what he wanted to do; he could eat when and what he wanted.  He also enjoyed all of his life-long friends.

And for a while, that seemed to suit him.  However, over the last two years, a long-standing family friend (I’ll call her ‘Anne’) has become a familiar part of his life.  This year, dad announced that ‘Anne’ and he were taking their relationship to “the next level”.

Being here in Canada, and my dad back in the UK, I can honestly say that I have buried my head in the sand on this one.  I knew about the friendship but chose to ignore it.  Being so many miles away made this easier.  Yet, when I was informed of the desire in my dad to become engaged, I became aware of intense emotions:

  • happy that dad that had found someone to share this part of his life with
  • betrayed – more that mum was being replaced, yet I knew that she wasn’t and I knew that ‘Anne’ would never wish to do that.  It wasn’t as if Dad had made this decision very soon after mum died.
  • grief – it brought back memories of mum’s passing, of the end of an era, and this was similar
  • sadness – that I didn’t fulfill my promise to mum to look after my Dad – stupid really because I am here in Canada and am not looking after Dad anyway.  He could do that adequately well himself, and now ‘Anne’ would be there too.

So, as I process these feelings over time, I am aware that I have been incredibly selfish.  My dad is in his 70s and has a significant number of years ahead of him, if his health continues the way it is now.  What right have I to bind him, hold him to my way of thinking, my wish?  None!

If I choose to hold onto my selfishness, I am in danger of preventing my father from having love and friendship in the later years of his life.  I am also in danger of chaining myself up in resentment, fear and anger.   Neither of us would ‘live’.

So today, I choose to release my dad, and I choose to release myself.

I am genuinely looking forward to later this month when my Dad and ‘Anne’ will come and visit me here in Canada.  May it be a special time and one of growth for me as well as them.

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About katehobbs

Mother to two who are now independant and living away from home. Wife to Steve, for the last 26yrs and looking forward to many more years. I have enjoyed 18 months in the Okanagan, something that I have longed to have the opportunity to do for a while. Living a dream, you could say. Now, I am interning with Living Waters Canada based in Vancouver until end of April 2013. I love to grow my own food - it tastes so much better. I also build up, train and encourage others to achieve more than they thought possible.
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9 Responses to Processing – Changes in the family

  1. I don’t see how you’ve been feeling as selfish, I see it as you processing change and grieving the loss of your mother and loss in general. Go easy on yourself. You may find it hits again when they come, if it does, allow and and then it will let you go. Love to you in this season of change xo

  2. Susan says:

    I hope to meet your Dad and Anne when they visit 🙂

  3. Inga says:

    I think it’s natural to feel what you do, and how great that you found out that what’s best for everyone is to accept it and be happy for him. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.

  4. Jude says:

    Kate are you still blogging? I’m not seeing any posts pop up. Hope you are well and all is OK.

    • katehobbs says:

      Hi Judy. I haven’t blogged for some time. Other things have taken over. I am still well, still in Canada, and still loving life. Hope you are still doing well in France.

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